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Saturday, March 30, 2002
I am officially single.
I have been single for a while now, except I didn't know about it.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. I should try to tell this story chronologically.
Eugene and I have gotten back together. I've kept it a secret because I didn't want to jinx it. We've been in an 'undefined relationship' (his words) for 8 months now. Since our actions and feelings towards each other were similar to when we were full-fledged lovers, I foolishly believed that it would only be a matter of time before we made things official again.
Recently, I angered him and he refused to see me or to take my calls. I falsely attributed this silent treatment to one of his temper tantrums, so I left him alone to cool down before trying my luck again. He kept avoiding me and still I thought he was merely upset.
On Good Friday, he called to set the record straight. He has decided, after 4 years of being together, to end our relationship. There's no hope of reconciliation. There's no room for any negotiation or damage control because he already has a new girlfriend.
He waited this long to tell me because he wanted to give me time to grieve and get over my Gran. He assures me that he didn't two-time me. He's known Hazel since his freshmen year and has tried to join her in as many USP classes as possible. However, things only developed between them whilst we were estranged.
'i just wanted 2 say that hazel n i happened while we were not talking. l never 2 timed u. just hope u can forgive me for d empty promises n all i put u thru'. (Eugene's SMS)
I still love Eugene. I love him enough to value his happiness above all. I wanted to be the one to make him happy, but it appears that only Hazel can do this. I can't, in good conscience, stand in the way of his happiness. So I gave him my forgiveness, blessings and good wishes for his future.
I am sad. But that's my problem not his.
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Wednesday, March 27, 2002
I'm back! Well, I've not actually been away, just silent. I wasn't sure what to blog about. I think I'll start by answering some of the more common questions that people have been asking me.
Q: Were you close to your Gran?
A: Yes, I was. She took care of me from infancy through late childhood. Furthermore, as the matriarch of our clan, she was actively involved in the lives of all her children and grandchildren.
Q: What have you been doing/ How are the funeral arrangements?
A: After the funeral last Friday, I spent the weekend with my relatives, observing the various prayers/rites. There's another round on Thursday and a final one at the end of the month. That takes care of the religious part.
Q: How are you coping?
A: Emotionally, I'm fine. I'm not overly distraught over her death, since she was old and sickly. I think of her as being in a better place, free from suffering and illness and re-united with her loved ones. That might sound corny or cliched, but believing in it helps me to accept her death and deal with it calmly. Occasionally, long-forgotten memories of her come to mind, and I feel sad. But I tell myself that I should not dwell on the past.
It's been rather depressing in my house and by Monday I couldn't stand it anymore. Fortunately, Yanshan and Tjin-Kai were free to provide me with much-needed distraction. Monday was spent with Yanshan, shopping (with her money), having half-decent pasta at U-bar (50% discount) and watching Time Machine (it sucked!). The next day I had fun shopping again, this time with Tjin's money :P
I miss all of you and I hope to see you soon. Meanwhile, take care of yourselves. Don't neglect your health as you frantically rush to complete your assignments.
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Thursday, March 21, 2002
My maternal grandmother passed away at 1340H on 21st March 2002. She was 82.
I've been with the rest of my clan, attending the wake yesterday and the funeral this morning.
Many thanks to my lovely friends, who offered kind words and condolences. It helps.
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Tuesday, March 19, 2002
My right eyelid has been twitching all afternoon. I hope its a portend of good things to come. I really hope its a sign that somebody's thinking of me. Oh no! Its gone. Perhaps I shouldn't have blogged about it. Ah well. . .
*****
I think I've watched too many of these sci-fi shows lately (Star Trek TNG, Voyager, Andromeda).
Last night I dreamt that I was part of an away mission to recover essential spare parts for Voyager. The interesting thing was my away team members: Huayi, TC, Tjin-Kai and an unidentified man. He could have been Kee Min, Ziqian or an alien. I'm not exactly sure which, but I know its one of these 3.
Er, not to say that I think of Kee Min (or Ziqian) as a hirsute alien brute much like Chewbacca.
But you all know that I always have strange dreams. Especially when I'm under stress.
If you have a theory/interpretation for this dream, I look forward to reading about it in my guestbook.
*****
Tjin-Kai writes wry, insightful entries and has several 'colourful' turns of phrases. Since many of these bear repeating, I'm hard-pressed to explain why I chose this one in particular. Perhaps because it has been in my head ever since I read it?
"I wish I could make everyone happy.
I wish I had the strength to love those who loved me as much as they do.
But I am only one.
And I have limits."
(posted by TheWhiteKnight 1:35:41 AM Wednesday, March 13, 2002)
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Friday, March 15, 2002
Tjin-Kai removed his guestbook. What a pity. But I guess when you abuse something, it's only fitting that it gets taken away from you.
One of my first reactions to this event was: 'How am I gonna communicate with him now?' But that's really pathetic isn't it? To think that a close friendship now deteriorates to merely leaving semi-anonymous electronic messages for each other.
Virtual friendship indeed.
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I've changed my title to 'Merry Widow', to reflect my new upbeat and positive outlook on life. I thought this was a big step forward, until Sufang said, "You're still calling yourself widow?" Well, it's a little difficult for me to let go of something I really love doing. Give me time folks. (Cue music: All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I'm in between...)*
Anyway, I'm almost done with the last GC tasks. And I've fully recovered from the sleep deprivation, etc. Actually, my mother now thinks that I sleep and eat too much and wants me to get out of the house and do something. Furthermore, the other day, Kee Min asked when I'm gonna start finding a job. Personally, I think that when even Kee Min bugs you about your future, its time to get cracking.
But I don't want to! I just wanna spend my time reading and indulging in other leisurely pursuits. I'm like the total opposite of Yanshan, who is freaking me out with all her preparations. (She already has plans for both career and further education.) I envy those scholarship holders who have their futures already mapped out. At least they don't have to figure out what to do next.
By the way, I am totally against the whole 'marry-a-rich-man-become-a-socialite-and-live-to-organise-charity-functions' scheme. It's such a stereotypical thing to do.
(*Britney Spears, 'I'm not a girl, not yet a woman')
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Wednesday, March 13, 2002
Blogspot seems to be down. Bother!
*****
A follow-up of what I wrote on March 3, regarding Tjin-Kai's birthday.
At his request to play down the significance of his special day, we did not have any cake-cutting ceremony in school, nor did the 'old-study-gang' have lunch together. Much later, he also turned down an invitation to dinner, and as predicted, spent time with the boys. But somehow, he did deign to watch a movie with me, and we ran into a couple of his friends (Pearly, Kitsy and Azhar) at Jurong cineplex. We ended up watching 'We Were Soldiers', which was pretty good, in a way.
(Note to Shan: I'm sure this movie is going to be on the recommended list of AS2231 sooner or later. Its nowhere near AN or TRL, but there's enough text-book cinematic technique here for Gilbert to have a field day!)
Huayi, Pearly, Sufang, Yanshan and I got him Stephen Hawking's latest book, Universe in a Nutshell. Its a really cool book and I'm dying to get a copy for myself. Unfortunately, its out of stock in Borders, and the next shipment only comes in 3 weeks. But since its already in the National Library, I'm gonna borrow it first.
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'The Amazing Race 2' did not start on Monday, as I said, but airs on Thursday instead. I'm getting my couch and all my snacks prepared already :P No, lah, just kidding! Xueli, after reading the previous entry, took my words at face value. Oops! I'm not going to obsess over reality tv. Really. I promise.
Well, maybe just a bit? heh
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Tuesday, March 12, 2002
My horoscope for today says that if I'm upset and in need of comfort, I should let others know of it. For if they don't know, they can't help. Alright, consider this a cry for help then. I'm lost! Adrift in space, nothing to do and no-one to do it with.
*****
On other fronts, I've decided to take a page from dreamer's book. I give up. Since my best is not good enough, why bother trying right?
*****
Saw Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda last night. Its a little corny to see Kevin 'Hercules' Sorbo as a futuristic spaceship captain. But otherwise, looks like a cool show. As part of the backstory, a band of genetically enginered humans (who strictly follow the writings of Nietzsche) started the civil war that turned the otherwise peaceful and propsreous Universe into crap. Now its up to Sorbo to save the universe.
It amusing to note that Tjin-Kai once worshiped Nietzsche too.
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Monday, March 11, 2002
It's not easy being a widow.
Yesterday, I dealt with my late husband's effects. Tomorrow I will be distributing it to various parties.
I'm being chased by creditors and swamped with free-loaders who want a piece of the pie. Yet, what hurts most is the realisation that some people only put up with me for my husband's sake. Now that he's gone, they totally ignore me. Sad.
As a sign of mourning, I'm only gonna wear black. (And also cos a third of my wardrobe is black :P) I might even take up Eugene's suggestion of chopping off more of my hair. (On the upside, since I'm no longer in school, no one will be able to see it. Thus it can be a disaster and no-one will say anything!)
I assure you, I'm not going mad with grief. Really...
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Sunday, March 10, 2002
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Today is Tjin-Kai's birthday!
Happy Birthday Tjin! May your dreams come true, may all your ills plague you no more and may happiness be your constant companion.
Or, failing that, may babes fall from the sky and into your lap.
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The GC Finals are over!
Xueli said that I was 'married to GC', if that's the case, then I'm now a widow.
I don't think I know how to live as a widow.
At the moment, I'm still trying to deal with the aftermath of GC. There's the logistical side, dealing with equipment and goods. Then there's the social side. I've heard and seen a lot of stuff this past week, and I'm still trying to sort them out. Also, I've said and done some unfortunate things, and I need to deal with the consequences.
There's so much I want to share with all of you. Both good and bad. But now it's late, and I have to go. I can't wait to blog again!
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Thursday, March 07, 2002
26 hours to GC Finals.
This will be my last opportunity to be near a computer/the net for non-GC related stuff. I forsee that I'm gonna spend the next few hours rushing around, dealing with all the last minute problems that inevitably crop up.
Please pray that nothing bad happens.
God, I hope I don't screw up.
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Tjin continues his Mr Nice-Guy streak today, by giving me one of those new-age relaxation music CDs. (The kind TC listens too.) I'm listening to it now as I scramble to complete GC stuff. It actually helps!
I've also pre-empted the e-mail game between me and TC by spending all day in Suntec. And I'm gonna be there later today and Saturday too. Yay! No more e-mail from him!
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Wednesday, March 06, 2002
Yesterday I took a much-needed break from GC and went to Orchard with Pearly, Min and Tjin for dinner. We went to Grounds, which can be succintly described as an Asian tapas eatery. I had a great time getting up to silly nonsence with Pearly, who was 'slightly' inebriated. Hee...
However, I couldn't actually afford the time spent away from GC, and I paid for it dearly today. I was rushing around most of the day and had to work really late to finish everything. Even TC who is usually pretty calm, was on the verge of screaming at me for my inefficiency.
And then, as one would expect, a Knight in a shining BMW (or was it a Merc?) came to my 'rescue'.
Tjin-Kai was really wonderfully today. He was so full of concern about my welfare and was so willing to help with anything and everything. I'm so pleased. Thanks a million dude!
... I would write more, but I'm falling asleep at the keyboard. GTG.
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Monday, March 04, 2002
Dr TC Chang and I are in the 2nd day of our 'game'.
Everytime I delete one of emails, another appears in my inbox.
Perhaps he's determined to keep his emails to no less than a certain magic number?
Wonder how long this will keep up.
: )
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Saturday, March 02, 2002
I have found new meaning in my life. Since GC is fast winding down, and I don't wanna be left with nothing to do, I've found something to keep me pre-occupied in the interim (before I act my age and find a job, etc).
Can you guess? Does Marquesas or pit-stop mean anything to you?
My new obsession is...Reality TV! Yay! (Stop it Tjin, I can see you rolling your eyes! And Len, stop groaning! And the rest of you too!)
So I've already missed episode 1 of S4 and will miss the next one due to GC rehearsals. But I'm gonna make sure I'll tune in for Ep3. And to make things better, TAR2 starts on March 11! Yay, can't wait for that one. Oh no! Just remembered that's also Tjin's birthday. TCS 5 has a habit of showing these things at 3pm, and that's when his HRM lessons end. I need to make sure that any birthday activities don't happen at that time. I also can't catch the 10pm repeat, if I'm out celebrating his birthday...
Er, that's of course assuming (without much grounds) that Tjin would graciously include me on his special day. He might choose to spend it with the boys or his precious new regiment (IMO, a very fitting early birthday gift from Nexon).
Anyway, I think we all know by now that what he really wants is a babe. Can someone suggest a suitable (and wiling) female? Or any other appropriate gift for our dear mafan-boy, who has everything and only wants the impossible?
(Don't worry, he'll probably only read this after his birthday, he's not in the habit of reading my blogs on a regular basis)
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Does anyone want tickets to the GC finals?
Its on Saturday, 9th March from 10a.m.-12.30p.m. at Suntec City Auditorium.
The 3 finalist schools are Anglo-Chinese School (Independent), Raffles Institution and Anglican High.
Yes, I know no-one reads this page (except for you guys who are probably not interested anyway) and that no-one's ever gonna bother to turn up for this 'no-name competition' (Keemin's words). But it's my blog. I write what I want, can?
Sigh. Next time I get obsessed about something, I must make sure its something I can show off to everybody. Unlike GC, where no-one can see the stuff that I did.
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Friday, March 01, 2002
7 days to GC finals. 168 hours or 100,080 minutes.
Tempus fugit (time flies). I remember, one distant day in the past, I sms-ed Yanshan, saying that the finals were only 60 days away, and that we should be concerned about preparations.
Now there's only a week left. Where did the last 53 days go?
*****
I've been telling people, "Look on the bright side, in a week all this will be over!" Now I realise that some of these people probably won't last the week.
People like Marcus, who gets chased/scolded/hounded by Dr Chang, Huayi and me. Who's also got other clients with major projects and looming datelines. Not to mention untouched readings and uncompleted assignments.
People like Huayi-mama, who's nearing the end of her rope. We all know she can get a little, shall we say 'overly-anxious' and can be a big worry-wart. But lately, there's something different in her voice. Like she's frustrated and utterly despondent. She's the one I turn to when I need comfort, but now she needs some TLC herself.
People like Angeline, who's trying to be a super-woman. She's balancing dance rehearsal/performance, hall activities, USP modules and GC publicity work. Not to forget that she's only a week left to familiarise herself with the duties of an emcee.
May you all get your peace of mind soon.
*****
By the way, if you're wondering about me, I'm ok. I'm coping well, under the circumstances and I think things are under control. So far, so good, as the saying goes. Right now, I'm only freaked over my chipped nail, my yet un-decided choice of finals outfit and the fact that not enough men are pandering to my whims.
See, my sense of humour remains intact, so rest assured that all is well.
Of course, for dramatic effect, I'm sure I'll throw a few hysterical fits and other attention-seeking ploys.
I would, naturally, appreciate it if you would pampered me by offering technical (laptops), logistical (chauffeur services) and/or nutritional (food) support. heh
But seriously, just knowing that you are thinking of me, keeps me going. That, and the thought that once all this is over, I'll get to see you again, in a social context. Joy!
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